


Could Have Beens

by Dolimir



Category: The Sentinel
Genre: Alternate Universe, Gen, Pre-Slash
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-06-22
Updated: 2011-06-22
Packaged: 2017-10-20 15:44:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,723
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/214363
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dolimir/pseuds/Dolimir
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Blair goes to a friend for some perspective.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Could Have Beens

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Kikkimax](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=Kikkimax).



> Notes: I have been fascinated with Jay Brady ever since Kikkimax created him. There is just something about the relationship between Blair and the big Texan which fascinates me. I asked Kikkimax for permission to write a story using Jay. I consider it a HUGE honor that she trusts me enough to let me play with her baby.
> 
> Anyway, in trying to get myself into the right writing "space", I reread all of Kikkimax's Jay stories...only to discover that this girl is friggin brilliant. If you really study the Jay stories, you realize that Jay really isn't the center of the stories. He is a brilliantly used fictional character who moves a story along, but never overtakes it. And while he and Ellison don't really get along, he doesn't do anything to damage Blair's relationship with Jim. And that, fascinated me even more. This story is my attempt to explore that aspect of their (Jim/Jay/Blair) relationship (And NO...I don't mean a three-way! Geesh, you guys!). [But the story is sort of preslash.]
> 
> So, then I started to panic. How could I incorporate my "fascination," my "exploration" of a theory and yet still be true to the character?
> 
> [Go read everything Kikkimax has ever written!](http://www.fanfic.otherplaces.net/). She's brilliant! And be sure to leave her some sugar.

Blair closed his eyes, leaned back against the old oak, and tried to ignore the slight chill in the wind that blew around him; Jim's words from earlier in the evening still ringing in his ears.

 _"You going to run to Brady, like usual?"_

Opening his eyes, he gazed across the placid lake and absently picked up one of the thousands of fallen leaves around him.

Was that what he did when things got rough with Jim? Run to Jay?

Looking back over the last couple of months since Jay Brady's return from Texas, Blair uncomfortably realized there was precedence for Jim's casually flung barb. When things got rough, he did seek solace with the cowboy. And lately, it seemed he found himself at the cabin more and more often.

His gaze dropped to the reddish orange leaf in his hands, and he methodically began to rip the leaf along its veins.

Lately, the tiniest things set Jim off; and yet there was no rhyme or reason for his anger. One minute they would be laughing over something idiotic and the next Jim would be closed up tighter than a clam, snapping at him to mind his own business when he asked what was wrong.

Why shouldn't he seek Brady out? The big affable Texan was a sea of calm in his otherwise chaotic life. Jay was always happy to see him. Blair's problems would often seem to melt away when he saw the joy in his friend's eyes whenever he showed up on his doorstep. Not a forced joy or even abiding tolerance, but an honest-to-goodness glad-to-see-him sort of smile. Jay never turned him away, always including him in whatever activity he was elbow-deep in at the time.

It wasn't like he had that many places to turn to anymore. Oh, sure, he still had friends at the university. Jerry, for instance; although more often than not, Jerry was away from the university just as much as Blair was. Blair found himself drifting further and further away from his academic life. It seemed that most of his friends now were cops and clerical staff, morticians and district attorneys.

When had he stopped walking his own path and joined Jim's? And why was Jim pushing him away, now, after three years of what he thought was a successful partnership?

Blair stripped off the last piece of leaf and stared idly at the remaining skeleton.

"It's a mite cold out here, partner," a soft drawl interrupted his thoughts.

Blair looked up just as the Texan wiggled a finger at him, motioning him to lean forward a bit. Complying, he found himself wrapped in one of Brady's down jackets. His friend squatted next to him, made a big show of playfully shoving him over to make room, then sat beside him, leaning his back against the same tree truck.

"Thanks," Blair said, surprised by how quiet his voice sounded.

"Saw your car from the back window when I got up to put on a pot of coffee."

Blair nodded and shrugged at the same time, unable to find any words to explain his presence on his friend's property without actually having had the courtesy to stop by and say hello.

"Just needed some down time?" Jay surmised.

Blair nodded again, then handed his friend the yellow skeleton, picked up another leaf from the ground beside him and began the stripping process again.

They sat in comfortable silence; Jay looking out over the lake and Blair studiously picking the leafy flesh from the malleable stems. Blair sighed softly and wasn't surprised when his friend leaned companionable closer.

"Is it getting bad again?" Jay finally asked into the silence.

Blair nodded, immediately ashamed of himself for having done so, feeling as if he had betrayed Jim somehow by his admission.

"I'm an anthropologist," he told Jay in what seemed a non-sequitur response. "I study human beings, try to understand what makes them tick, why they act the way they do."

"And Ellison defies conventional rationale?"

Blair sighed and unconsciously shifted, tucking himself closer to the furnace that was his friend. "He thinks I run to you whenever things get bad between us."

Brady sympathetically patted Blair's knee.

"I do, you know," Blair whispered, dropping the remains of his leaf to the ground and closing his eyes.

"I know," Jay told him just as quietly.

They sat in silence for several minutes, neither looking at the other.

"You want one cowboy's impression of what's happening on the plains?" Jay asked, still not looking at Blair.

"Sure. Why not? God knows I could use a fresh perspective."

Brady shifted, pressing his left leg closer to Blair's right one. "From what you've told me and from what you've implied, I gather Ellison's senses pretty much caught him flat-footed when they decided to make their reappearance. Right?"

Blair cocked his head and looked at his friend. He nodded, but didn't say anything.

"He once told me, after several beers, mind you, that you literally saved his life. You believed him when he thought he was going crazy. You lit his path when all he could see was darkness."

Blair swallowed hard, surprised that Jim could admit to being vulnerable to anyone, especially to Jay. He was also ashamed of the jealousy he felt welling in his breast as he wondered why Jim couldn't show his vulnerability to him.

"If it weren't for his senses, it would be a pretty safe bet to say that you two probably would never have crossed paths."

Blair sighed sadly but nodded, agreeing with the statement.

"I mean you two are pretty damn different."

Blair felt one side of his mouth curl up in a smile. "Yeah. Well, you and I are pretty damn different, too."

"True," Jay acknowledged. "But I got to know you because I wanted to, not because my mental health depended on you. Although I have to admit, you've probably saved my sanity once or twice."

"Just returning the favor." Blair smiled at this friend, but the smile soon faded. "So, you're saying Jim resents needing me?"

Jay shook his head. "I'm not explaining this as well as I thought I could. I've got it all straight in my head, but getting it out is tougher than untying a calf roped by a greenhorn."

Blair surprised himself by chuckling. "You're doing fine, Jay."

Brady smiled at him, then tried again. "We all view ourselves in a particular manner. You know, see ourselves in a certain light? Ellison's no different than anyone else in that regard. It's just that his mental picture doesn't include his senses."

Blair rubbed his hands over his tired face. "I know," he said quietly, then in a louder voice said, "It seems like he's fought me tooth and nail every step of the way. And why, I ask you? It's not like I get anything out of pushing him. I mean, yeah, sure, there's my dissertation, but it's not like I have to live with his damn senses. Well, not live with them as in experience them. He's the one who wants to use them in his job, and yet everything's a fight. I just don't get it."

"If he doesn't fight, then he has to admit that he really is a sentinel."

Blair turned his entire body so he was facing his friend.

"Weren't you the one who told me that his father made him feel like a freak? On some level, Ellison has never gotten past that. Intellectually, he knows better, but in his heart..." Jay shrugged.

"I know." Blair rested an elbow on each of his knees and rubbed his eyes again.

"I know you know, partner. But I think you're missing an important aspect here."

Blair dropped his hands and looked at his friend. "Oh?"

Jay cleared his throat nervously. "You know that your relationship with Jim crosses all sorts of boundaries, right?"

"In what way?" Blair wondered if he looked as confused as he felt.

"Back in the jungle, a sentinel and his partner were all things to each other, weren't they? I mean, they lived on the edge of their tribe's territory, with only each other as companions. Right?"

"Yeah, probably."

Jay was silent for nearly a moment before he blurted out, "So what if Jim is finding himself needing you to be all things to him?"

Blair opened his mouth, then shut it with a snap. "But Jim isn't isolated. He doesn't live on the fringes of his society."

"Doesn't he? Isn't that, in a way, exactly where a cop lives; patrolling society, but not necessarily living in the midst of it? Always separated from the people we protect?"

"But...but...you're implying..."

Jay took a deep breath and slowly let it loose. "Yes. I am."

Blair jumped to his feet and walked several yards before he stopped and spun toward his friend. "But Jim's not...he's not, Jay. I'd know if he was."

Brady cleared his throat again. "Maybe he isn't, but what if it's a sentinel thing?"

Blair shook his head, but couldn't speak.

"Wouldn't that explain his anger toward you? He needs you, he wants you, but he can't admit it to himself because of what that makes him."

Running his fingers back through his hair, Blair started to pace back and forth. "No. No, you've got to be wrong."

"It's about to get worse, partner."

Blair staggered to a stop. "In what way?"

Brady got to his feet. "Because he's a sentinel, you're Ellison's...what did you call it?"

"If you say bitch, I'm going to kill you."

Brady laughed loudly. "No, son. You're his partner, his..."

"Guide?"

"Yeah, guide. In that sense, you've been hardwired that way too."

"What? Are...are you implying..."

"Blair, you touch him all the time."

"Touch grounds him."

"You guys are practically in each other's back pockets all the time."

Blair began to pace again. "I can't believe you actually think I'm...that I could... What? I set off some sort of gaydar with you?"

Jay shifted uncomfortably. "Yes and no."

"Yes and no?" Blair jammed his fists on his hips and frowned at his taller friend. "Care to explain that?"

Jay sighed. "I don't think you're...you know...in a traditional sense. I think it's a guide thing. A 'be with the person you're guiding' sort of thing."

"This is just great. Just...just... and where did you come up with such a harebrained theory, Brady?"

Jay took a step toward Blair. "While a sentinel needs a guide to function, a guide can assist more than just a sentinel," he explained quietly.

"So?" Blair challenged defiantly.

"So a guide can create a bond with others, not just with sentinels."

"So?"

Jay closed the distance between them and framed both of his hands around Blair's face. "So, not all protectors are sentinels."

When Blair opened his mouth to protest, he found Jay's lips on his. The bigger man's tongue teased his own until he was helpless not to respond. Fisting his hands in the back of Jay's jacket, Blair surrendered to the kiss. But instead of deepening the kiss, Jay slowed it down, then eased away from the younger man.

"I...I didn't know...you..."

"I'm not," Jay said softly, his forehead pressing gently against Blair's upturned forehead. "Only with you, and not all the time."

"So...you're saying that I cause this need somehow?"

"I think so," Jay said apologetically. "I think you and Jim are hardwired to be together in every possible way. But Ellison can't accept it, so he keeps pushing you away. And you're like an open receptor...and those of us who are like Jim in some aspects..."

"Respond?" Blair suggested.

"I believe so."

"So Jim sees you as a threat because..."

"In some sense, I am." Jay shrugged, but didn't move away from his smaller companion. "You feel at ease with cops because we're protectors. As a guide, your role is to help us, and we respond to that."

"And you and Jim being alpha males..."

"Are fighting for the attention of the guide."

Blair began to pant. "That's...that's..."

"Pretty deep for a country boy?"

Blair tried to laugh, but it came out as more of a sob. "So, you're saying, I'm..."

"Don't," Jay said quietly, pressing one finger over Blair's lips. "Don't think of it in black and white terms because it's not really that clear cut of a concept. But tell me this, Blair," he said quietly, as he pressed Blair's body against the trunk of a nearby oak. "Right now," he whispered seductively over the smaller man's ear, "you're not totally opposed to the idea."

Blair moaned softly in despair. "I'm sorry, Jay. I'm so sorry. I never meant to --"

"Shh," Brady shushed. "I know. It's just who we are."

"So, I come to you because..."

"Something in me responds."

Blair shook his head in denial. "That's not why I come to you, Jay. It's not."

"Not consciously, no. Maybe, not even unconsciously. But I think on some level it is. You need to connect and when Jim can't..."

Blair lowered his head and leaned his forehead against his friend's chest. "So what happens between us now?"

"Nothing."

Blair's head shot up as he looked into his friend's face. "What?"

"Blair, we're friends. We're always going to be friends. I've always got your back. You know that. It's just that now you have an inkling of why Jim acts the way he does."

"So, nothing's changed between you and me?" Blair asked, terrified of the response.

"Nothing, partner."

Blair sagged against his friend in relief. After a moment, he straightened and looked into Jay's face. "Why?"

"Because you belong to Ellison. And as much as I want to tie him up and brand his ass for hurting you, as much as I want you not to hurt, I won't take you from him. Though I could if I wanted to," he added with a wicked laugh.

Blair joined in with him.

"But know this, partner. If at any time, you get tired of throwing yourself against the Great Wall of Ellison, you let me know."

"Why?" Blair asked curiously.

Jay released a long soft sigh, then tangled his fingers in Blair's hair and pulled his head back, softly plundering his mouth. Blair brought his arms up and held the bigger man tightly as he once again surrendered to the kiss. When Jay was finished, he helped Blair find his feet.

"So, um..." Blair hesitated as Jay stepped back a step.

"You need to go home to Jim."

"And we're okay?" Blair asked hopefully.

"Five by five."

"Okay. Good. Okay. Fine. I'll...uh...I'll just go now." Blair pointed toward his car, then ran a hand back through his hair again, smiled at Brady, then turned and hiked back toward his car.

Jay stayed rooted to his spot and watched his friend's hasty retreat. "You realize," he said to the surrounding woods, "that I'm not always going to keep pushing him back to you? I'm only so noble, after all."

"I realize," a tenor voice responded from the darkness.

"Was I close to the mark?"

"Yeah, pretty much. I think."

"Are you going to be able to talk to him about this?"

"Probably not."

"But..."

"I won't hurt him anymore, Brady. I swear it. I'll find a way to cope."

"You better, Ellison, because I'm telling you, protector to protector, that I'm always going to be waiting in the wings. I'll take him in whenever he shows up on my doorstep, and I'll give him whatever he wants: a shoulder to cry on, an ear to listen to him rant, friendship, and more, if he feels he needs it. Life is too precious and the universe doesn't give you many second chances."

"I know."

"Then go, with my blessing."

"You're right about one thing, you know?"

"And what's that?" Jay asked, turning toward the shadow as it stepped away from a nearby tree.

"You are pretty deep for a country boy."

Jay threw his head back and laughed. "Hey, in Texas we do everything bigger, better, deeper, harder."

"As Sandburg would say, I'm *so* not going there."

"Chicken."

"Naw. Just know when to fold them. Good night, my friend."

"Good night, Jim."


End file.
